Veel vrouwen hebben een verhaal over hun moeder. Een verhaal waarmee ze zichzelf definiëren, waarmee ze hun gevoelens en gedrag verklaren en van waaruit ze hun leven zien en beoordelen.
Verhalen moeten gedeeld, gevoeld en gehoord worden.
Zodat je aan je verhalen voorbij kunt gaan om je te verbinden met wie JIJ diep van binnen bent.
Verhalen zoals deze.
Slachtofferrol
Na de middelbare school ging ik Culturele Antropologie studeren, in de Pijp wonen (samen met mijn eerste vriendje) en ongelukkig zijn.
Ik voelde me slachtoffer van mijn nare jeugd.
- Ik kon geen liefde ontvangen van mijn super lieve vriendje
- Ik bleef maar eten… suiker om te verdoven
- Ik was om het minste of geringste in totale paniek
- Ik had nachtmerries
- Ik raakte volledig van slag als de telefoon ging (mijn moeder belde nogal eens dronken op met totaal onsamenhangende verhalen die er op neerkwamen dat ik haar moest helpen)
Op ieder feestje, bij iedere ontmoeting, bij iedere nieuwe vriendschap deed ik het verhaal van mijn moeder uit de doeken.
En ik kreeg veel medelijden.
“Jeetje, echt? Wow, wat vreselijk”.
Mensen snapten wel dat ik daardoor:
- Mijn tentamens niet haalde
- Nooit op tijd kon komen
- Snel ruzie kreeg, maakte niet uit met wie
- Mijn baantjes nooit lang duurde
Maar ergens diep in mij wist ik dat er iets niet helemaal klopte. Dat ik steeds hetzelfde verhaal vertelde. Dat ik mijn moeder wel eens inzette om niet de verantwoordelijkheid te nemen voor mijn eigen gedrag. 🙁 Dat mijn moeder het schild was waarachter ik me verstopte.
Mijn verlangen naar innerlijke vrede was enorm. Maar ik wist niet hoe ik die moest bereiken. Al van jongs af aan was ik geïnteresseerd in spiritualiteit. Ik besloot me aan te sluiten bij een meditatie clubje.
Ik was een slechte leerling. Ik zat in een groepje, maar thuis mediteren deed ik nauwelijks.
Toch gebeurde er iets wonderlijks.
Tijdens een studentenfeestje vertelde ik mijn verhaal voor de 596-ste keer aan een studiegenoot. En ineens “zag” ik mijn gedachten.
Ik zag een gedachte komen en weer gaan. En nog één, en nog één..
De gedachten kwamen langs; en ik keek ernaar. Doordat ik mijn gedachten kon zien, besefte ik me dat ik niet mijn gedachten ben. Want anders kon ik ze niet zien toch?”
Ik vond het een wonder, schreef het op en onderzocht wat het betekende:
De gedachten over mijn moeder, mijn angsten, mijn boosheid komen langs, maar gaan ook weer weg.
Hoe ze ook aan me leken te plakken, hoe ze me ook gevangen leken te houden, ze gingen altijd weer weg. De nare dingen waren in het verleden gebeurd en niet in het nu.
Zo ontstond er een afstand tussen mij en mijn pijnlijke gedachten. Ik kwam een beetje los van het verhaal over mijn moeder.
Ik ging tijdens het mediteren meer de nadruk leggen op diegene die de gedachten waarneemt; mijn wezenlijke zelf.
En ik ontdekte dat ik daardoor in een prachtige stilte terecht kwam.
Het voelde als een ware bevrijding.
- Ik ben niet mijn gedachten
- Ik kan kijken naar de pijn van mijn verleden
- Ik kan in de pijnlijke gedachten verdwijnen óf ervoor kiezen om ze voorbij te laten gaan
Ineens was er een keuze
En dat kwam niet omdat ik zo trouw mediteerde.
Of omdat ik een speciale gave heb.
Of omdat ik een bijzonder iemand ben.
Of omdat ik vreselijk intelligent ben.
Het kwam omdat ik bereid was te onderzoeken hoe het anders kan.
Op mijn 24-ste ontdekte ik dat er iets in mij was dat mijn gedachten waarneemt. Iets dat NIET wanhopig, verdrietig, schuldig, boos etc. was.
Heel voorzichtig ontdekte ik iets van innerlijke vrede.
Het niet kunnen loskomen van je verleden/gedachten over je moeder leidt tot:
- Ongelukkige relaties
- Niet voor jezelf op durven komen
- Het gevoel alleen te zijn
- Het idee het nooit goed genoeg te doen
Het niet kunnen zijn wie je werkelijk, wezenlijk diep van binnen bent is niet alleen verdrietig.
Het kan je helemaal doodslaan.
Of in ieder geval het vuur in je doodslaan.
Misschien dat dat voor jou ook zo voelt.
Maar
Het maakt niet uit wie jouw moeder was.
En hoe ze tekort is geschoten in het geven van liefde aan jou.
Hoe bang je voor haar was.
Hoe verantwoordelijk je je voor haar voelde.
Hoe schuldig je je voelde omdat je haar niet kon helpen.
Realiseer je dit:
De strijd die je met je moeder voert is een strijd die je met je denken voert. Een strijd met de aap in je hoofd.
En jij hebt de sleutel in handen om niet meer in je denken over je moeder te verdrinken, om jouw geluk niet meer door het verleden te laten saboteren.
Ja, je moeder gaf jou niet de liefde die je verdiende toen je een klein meisje was.
MAAR..
Jij hebt de keuze om het NU anders te doen.
Om niet meer het slachtoffer van jouw denken te zijn.
Vertel me… hoe groot is jouw verlangen om het patroon van “ik ben het slachtoffer van mijn moeder” te doorbreken (of je moeder nog leeft of niet).
Laat het me weten in een reactie onder deze blog.
Warme groet,
Inge
P.S. Luister vooral naar mijn tweede podcast aflevering ”je bent niet wat je denkt” om echt helderheid te krijgen over hoe het zit met je denken/je ego en je wezenlijk zelf.
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