Niet gezien worden

Ik zit in Amsterdam op yogales. Een aantal jaar geleden had ik een nekhernia en besloot dat het misschien wel eens een goed idee was om niet alleen yoga te geven (ik geef al meer dan 15 jaar yogales), maar het zelf ook te doen.

Ik vond een goede school met een goede juf. En dat is al heel wat, want ik ben natuurlijk enorm kritisch. Mijn yogajuf heeft duidelijk verstand van zaken, is anatomisch goed onderlegd, heeft een fijne stem en een rustige pace.

Alleen, anders dan de manier waarop ik lesgeef, doet zij alles zelf mee. Dus als wij allemaal op ons rug liggen, ligt zij ook op haar rug en kan dus niet zien wat wij doen. Als ze voorover buigt, ziet ze dus niet wat er achter haar gebeurt.

In mijn yogastroming, doen we dat anders. Ik de houdingen niet zelf mee. Ik kijk goed naar mijn leerlingen, zie wie het lastig heeft, waar en brandjes geblust moeten worden om blessures te voorkomen, waar ik iemand even op weg moet helpen of geruststellend toe moet lachen.

En mijn yogajuf doet dat niet.

Ik dacht steeds… nou ja, gewoon een verschil. Ieder doet het op haar eigen manier.

Maar gisteren gebeurde er iets bijzonders. Ik moest een houding doen en ademde diep in mijn bekken. Tenminste, dat was de bedoeling, maar ik voelde spanning. En het lukte mij niet om dit los te laten.

Toen kwam er opeens een heel duidelijk beeld naar boven. Ik was klein, alleen in de huiskamer en was bang. Mijn moeder lag in bed omdat ze gedronken had. Ik voelde me alleen, niet gezien, onveilig.

Het beeld van alleen zijn en niet gezien worden was ineens weer zo duidelijk! Ik realiseerde me dat ik met die bril naar de wereld om me heen kijk. En dat ik dat gevoel van niet gezien worden, “waar” maak. Dat ik ergens nog steeds geloof dat ik alleen ben, ongeliefd. De beelden tuimelden over elkaar heen. Ik had deze overtuiging “niet gezien gezien worden”, geprojecteerd op mijn yogajuf; een overtuiging die ik al jaren met me meedraag.

En toen voelde ik, ervaarde ik, dat het niet waar is. Dat ik niet alleen ben, dat ik verbonden ben met louter liefde. Dat die aap in mijn hoofd, een repeterend plaatje afspeelt… steeds hetzelfde liedje weliswaar in steeds een ander jasje. En dat het helen, het terugkeren naar liefde, steeds weer een vriendelijke uitnodiging is, zodra er iets gebeurt waar je je ongemakkelijk onder voelt.

Vanochtend vroeg lees ik de les uit “Een Cursus in Wonderen”.

” I am surrounded by the love of God”

Is dat geen wonder? Ik voel me licht, warm, blij en voel de liefde stromen.

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